Caught in Between

A few months ago, I posted a blog about this season of my life coming to an end. As time has moved forward, we’ve completed training camp, and gotten our launch date (JANUARY 8, 2021 HERE WE COME),  I feel like I’ve trapped in a dichotomy (I think that’s the right word for this). I still don’t want this season of my life to end. I don’t want to leave Newspring, my home, and my family and friends. But at the same time, I am absolutely THRILLED for the World Race. I fell in love with my squad during training camp, am pumped for the ministry we are going to be doing together, and am hungry to know God in ways I can’t even imagine.

    I honestly don’t know how to feel right now. I’m mourning but also full of hope. I’m experiencing sadness like I’ve never felt while having my heart be full of joy and gratitude. I start crying at the slightest thought of everything going on (you’d think I’d run out of tears by this point). And don’t even get me started on the day I came home from training camp and went directly to the Women’s Conference at church. I had just left the most incredible week that set me on fire for the next year of ministry, only to come home to the place that had started the fire and tended to it the past 3 years. A place that I know won’t be the same when I return. I was emotionally drained with puffy eyes by the end of the night but I never wanted to leave.

    As much as I hate the division that I’m feeling right now, I’m so thankful that my Father is kind enough to let me experience this. He knew that I would have a hard time letting go, so He started the process early and has been there with me through it all. He gave me the perception to appreciate the moments that I want to cherish. It’s hard, but I’m doing everything I can to be present right now, even when all I can do is cry and feel my heart breaking. I’ve learned that one of the ways He pursues me is through music, and one of my favorite gospel hymns has become a constant comfort. It reminds me that “Your tears are touching God when you cry them from your heart. Yes, he knows when you’re broken inside. There’s a feeling only God knows the burdens that you bear, and your tears are touching God when you cry.”