Let’s Get Intimate

I’ve always been a behind-the-scenes type of person. Need someone to set up? I got it. Make sure everything is in order? No problem. I’m always willing to lend a hand and help whoever is stepping up on stage, just don’t ask me to get up there too. So when I first heard God asking me to preach, I thought there was some kind of mistake. Surely I heard him wrong. No way he’d be talking to me.

But then he gave me a word – family. I felt his nudge and knew there was no mistake. He was calling me to step out of my comfort zone and talk to my squad about family.

Then my next question, of course, was “What about family?” We’ve been going through a lot as a squad in Costa Rica, so a lot of directions for the topic of “family” crossed my mind. Did he want me to talk about how to love one another as the family of God? How to bring other people into the family? The Lord soon brought me to Luke 15:11-32, which you may have heard called the Prodigal Son. In my Bible, however, the passage is titled “The Loving Father.” God wanted to remind me and my squad of his love for us.

As I dove in, I was overwhelmed and extremely nervous to talk about this calling with anyone. I opened up to a squad mate who has a passion for preaching to ask what my next steps should be. Through several conversations and some gentle pushing from him and my Team Leader, it was decided that I would be giving the message at our weekly Squad Church the next Sunday. My message focused on the Father’s response to his 2 sons and how He shows that love to us as well. I ended the time with 4 songs that focused on his love to give my squad time for God himself to tell them how much He loves them.

Things went great. I was able to communicate what I felt like God had told me and got some really sweet feedback from the squad. Then, on Wednesday, I heard a whisper from God: “Let me love you.”

What do you mean God? I just gave a whole message on your love! I know that you love me… But that’s the thing. I knew He loves me, but I wasn’t living in it. I wasn’t receiving His love. But how do I do that? I knew I couldn’t earn it, no matter how hard I worked. This would have to be a heart change.

So, I started praying. I spent intentional time in Scripture and went back through previous messages I’d heard to find clues of how to let God love me. One message that stuck out to me was when a pastor had come to speak at our small group maybe 2 years ago (definitely pre-Covid). He had talked about the transcending love of God, which means that anything I receive from God is actually to love my neighbor better (see Matthew 22:37-39). A quote from my notes said, “Your neighbor will show you where you do and don’t know God… I love my neighbor as I understand God.” Wow. If that’s how to let God love me, I wasn’t doing so hot. I’d recently allowed a rift to come between myself and one of my closest friends on the Race over a simple lack of communication. With that in mind, I could see that I didn’t understand God’s grace, his mercy, his heart for me, and even how he defines my value. Ouch.

I realized another way I wasn’t loving my neighbors well was in my sacrifice. Another teammate of mine had been having a lot of back pain, so I offered her my bottom bunk. The one I had just moved to because I no longer wanted a top bunk and this bed was a full size instead of a twin. I knew the bed would be better for her, but I didn’t make the trade out of love. I let bitterness keep a hold on my heart, making the sacrifice out of duty rather than love. Another place I didn’t understand God’s love.

I spent the next several nights bed hopping, sharing with girls on my squad instead of going back up to the top bunk where I had been (hello, pride). After about 3 nights of this, I ended up with a friend who couldn’t fall asleep with the two of us in her twin bed. I left and, not wanting to disturb anyone else, went outside to the shelter with my Bible and journal.

At 3:30 AM, I sat with God, totally broken. I felt displaced, lost, and bitter. I hadn’t heard anything from Him since the “let me love you” almost a week prior. I was starting to doubt that He’d do anything and felt helpless to fix it myself. Simply put, I felt like I wasn’t important enough and that I would always have to work for His love.

Then a small voice whispered, “Who told you that?”

The Lord was pointing out the lies that had held me captive for most of my life. He gave me the words to write a letter to my younger self, apologizing for the hurt I experienced as a child and reassuring me that He had been there through all of it. He told me how special I’ve always been to Him and how uniquely He loves me.

After sunrise, I got up and crawled into an empty bed, knowing that my Father had just taken my hand and walked me into the first steps of letting him love me. Healing had begun, but we hadn’t yet reached the fullness of his love. 

That came the next night as a group of us decided to go back to that shelter to pray together. At one point, the leader asked anyone wanting to receive anything from God to sit down and others would pray over them. Wanting a deep intimacy with my Father, I sat.

As people crowded around to pray for me and others, I just kept asking the Lord to show up. I wanted to know that the previous night hadn’t been a one time thing, but was the beginning of a new relationship with Him. What I received wasn’t anything physical, but I could feel in my spirit Jesus sitting in front of me. Criss cross, knee to knee, holding my hands. I started weeping and laid my head in His lap. He came. I felt His hand pat my head and start playing with my hair (I normally hate this, but I knew He wouldn’t mess up my curls). 

We sat there for a bit longer before I felt like I could go inside and process it in my journal. As I was writing, I got the image of dating Jesus. The Bible already talks about Him being the groom and the church His bride, He just made it personal for me. I had an image of me walking down the aisle, eyes on Jesus, and all he can say is “She’s mine. I can’t believe she’s mine.”

So here I am, out of the shadows, in true love with Jesus, learning how to be in relationship with Him.