“I believe; help my unbelief!”

And Jesus said to him, “‘If you can’! All things are possible for one who believes.” Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, “I believe; help my unbelief!”

Mark 9:23-24

Man, last week was rough. It started on Tuesday, with a night of worship hosted by Newspring’s young adult ministry called Rally. I haven’t been to Rally in at least a year for several reasons, one of which being that Rally is defined as a ministry for 18-25 year olds, and I am now 26, almost 27. However, I spent some time Monday night with a friend who hadn’t been in a while either, but expressed interest in wanting to go. 

There was a moment during the night when we were singing the lines “Every stronghold will crumble, I hear the chains hit the ground” and “There is power in the name of Jesus to break every chain,” and I felt the Holy Spirit whisper to me “Do you really believe what you’re singing?” That question hit me right away and I instantly knew my response. “I believe; help my unbelief!”

What I realized in that moment was that I believed God is good, but I didn’t fully believe that He is good to me. I believed that He knows what is best, but I didn’t trust Him to actually give that to me. I believed that He is powerful, but I would always have some chain I couldn’t get rid of. I didn’t believe that a life of total freedom and joy was possible for me.

The next few days continued with God showing me the areas of my life where this unbelief had taken root. He gently pointed out that I was afraid to hope and dream because I was afraid He wouldn’t give me the desires of my heart (which is definitely not what Psalm 37:4 says). I was afraid to let him in and give up control. I was afraid of getting too close, of knowing and being known. I had been hiding in fear without even realizing it.

After seeing all the places this fear unbelief had affected my walk with God, my next question was “how do I change this?” I didn’t want to keep hitting this same wall and be stopped from moving forward. So I sat down and started talking to God (well, journaling, but the same idea). I started off with those dreams I had been afraid to voice. A future that right now seems so far off. When Satan pointed out this thought that my dreams were too far ahead and most likely not going to happen, I stopped and dug in. I wiggled around a little bit to see what other lies were buried beneath this attack. Where else was I agreeing with the enemy but didn’t realize it? Where did these start? What effect did these lies have on my relationship with God and the people around me?

I’m still not fully walking in the freedom and joy that I would like to, but I feel like this week were my first steps toward that. My Father has shown me that He wants me to trust Him. He wants to go deeper and heal the wounds I didn’t even realize were there. He wants to help my unbelief.